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GREAT Special (also, final)
I guess this will be the final farewell after all.
I had planned on ending things at GREAT 12, but I guess fate has another thing to say, eh.
Not that I care for fate. In fact, I loathe it. But anyway...
This week has been rather trying, what with Tony's problems, and then my own. And I shall explain, I guess for the last time.
The past week, I guess I've been kind of feeling a lot of things. I guess it's been the general bipolarness I've been taking with me since I've been drunk. Or, for lack of having better things to go into, the way I feel horrible after I've drank.
And the past few times I've drank, I've always felt like a horrible person. I don't know what it is, or how it became that way, but everytime I've woken up after drinking, I've always felt bad.
I guess it oes back to the point in which I was truly depressed. I guess it's a weird thing now, but I don't feel that way anymore. I don't have any anxiety attacks or anything, I just always kind of felt left out. But that's neither here nor there. I guess I'll have to go about things logically now, being that I'm not quite the "eloquent" being John thinks I am. Anyway, I'd better get started.
Pretty much the only thing that's been cheesing me off lately is John. He's really irritated me. Not that anyone would know from his one-sided journal, especially now, but mr. anonymous poster made all the points everyone had been meaning to say for a long time. Not that I had any part in it (although, honestly, I wish I had), but they kept on points which were totally true and poingant. John's just a big asshole. No one used him for anything, and we were always there whenever he needed things. He's just being a big dick.
I've always defended John, hell, I was the only person that kept him friends with anyone at the LA trip. He just finally stepped over boundaries he shouldn't have, and that, I guess, was mine. I'm sure he blames me with a lot of the wrong-doings in his life, but honestly, they're all his own creation. They're all something he did to himself without thinking of the consequences. And those turned out to be his friends. He ruined a relationship that he could have very possibly had, in which many people (including myself) were dying to go after. But he ruined that himself, him being a total dumbass.
And I don't think I could possibly embarrass himself more than he already has. I mean, well, I need to go on.
Him talking about using Barry for his apartment is hypocritical, at best. He used people far more than he ever did at Barry's, and, in fact, Barry was the actual victim in the whole situation, not so much because of John himself. Everyone else did their own part to chip in, but John was a big jewish bastard, so that's that.
And, really, I don't think I need to go on about John. It's not worth the effort. Because he uses the people he calls "friends" until they're no longer defending his pitiful self. He does jerkish things all the time, and expects other people to cover for him. He's a big ass. He proved that to me in LA, when I ferverently tried to defend him. As such, aside from the death threats and all, which I shant go into, John is a horrible person. One of the worst I'd ever met.
And that's all I'll say about that.
And it really irks me, just because I'm the defender of friends and all. And
Talking to Damon last night, it really seems ridiculous how we're all friends. We've all had problems before, but they all ended up making amends. I mean, Damon and Janalyn should have ended up never talking to each other ever again. They broke up, and now everything happens as it was before, just like that they're friends. And hell, I've had my own problems with Bekah before, and everyone else in the ol' "krew," but dammit if I can't ever talk to them again. And I do, constantly. That's the thing about the "krew" which is intangible and also invaluable. How so that it happens that one of my best friends ends up getting his heart broken (not by her own fault, even), that I'm still friends with the person that was basically the cause of it all? How is it that I can still be friends with Mark and Bekah and not feel irksome over their relationship?
How is it that I'm great friends with one of the people that screwed me over of one of my dreams? It's because we all are friends.
I guess that's one of the things John doesn't realize, and that's having real friends.
Because now, I would have never forgotten any of the wrongdoings that were "targetted" towards me, nor would I learned to have forgotten them. And, well, I just feel as if this is targetted towards John, when I don't really know why I should attack him at all. He's a pitiful person.
And, I guess, that'll be the last thing I'll say towards him at all. He's a pitiful shell of a man that wants to be but never will, because he's too concerned of what his friends think. If he's gotten past that, then, well, good for him. But he should stop needlessly attacking people that he's happened to have depended on for years.
But anyway...
For myself, for a change, I guess it's ok.
I don't really know what to do for myself, now. I think I've blown things with Gema, somehow, I guess not giving enough attention, but it really doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that now I'm living in equilibrium, and I guess that's good.
Hell, it bothers me now that I've nothing to go off on. I've really nothing wrong with the world.
I mean, I've met new friends, people that I would've never accepted as such. Mike, especially. The way he does things is totally against the way I think of people. But, now, I can accept that.
The way I feel is, I've got the rest of my life ahead of me, why waste it on preconcieved notions and such. It's really just a waste of time.
Like, the way I felt about Christina. It was mostly just a "that it's there" type of thing. I don't really care that it's gone now, and I probably won't ever. I wanted to make the best of my time I had left in Dallas.
And with Gema, well, I kind of had the instinct of the "lonely wolf," in that she was a girl I knew in Austin, and that was about it.
Now, well, I've got about nothing. What I've got is work. And thinking about Malyor some other random attraction? It's not even worth the effort. And me and Tony can make good jokes about it.
And so, to Tony, Damon, Ryan, Forrest, Sunday, September 22, 2002, 06:27 a.m.
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